I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
