went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
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He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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