Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
