Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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