you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
