Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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