when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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