I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
