It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
