You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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