she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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