I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
