I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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