Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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