You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
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so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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