I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
