And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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