I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think your dad took our porno
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
