Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
