I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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