My hand turned me down
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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