Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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