Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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