Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
