I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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