I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
