so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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