It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
