I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
