it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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