Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
