so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
