he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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