....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
