Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
