Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
