i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
