just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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