My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
