Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
