12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
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A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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