I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
