im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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