Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
