He kissed a someone with a penis
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
