She is in my trunk
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
