It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
