After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
