The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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