I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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