imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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