I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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