yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
