when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
