I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
