She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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