the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
