Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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